Thursday, April 1, 2010

You’re a Douche-Bag, Douche-Bag

We live in a culture where we use sexuality related terms in a negative way all the time. You don’t like someone? They’re a dick, an asshole or a cunt. When something doesn’t go my way, I personally say ‘balls.’

The list for the ways that we use sex language to mean negative things could go on and on and on forever. I could write a whole blog post about how using sexual language that way perpetuates a sex negative culture. But instead, I want to talk about the one word that, I personally, am totally okay with meaning something negative.

And that is the word “douche.”

Let me tell you why!

Let’s start by talking about what a douche is for those of you who may not know. Aside from being that coworker who always steals your lunch out of the communal fridge, a douche (or douche-bag) is a bottle or bag full of liquid, attached to a nozzle. Upon insertion of that nozzle into the vagina, you squeeze the bottle/bag and the liquid goes into the vagina.

What’s the purpose of this liquid? To ‘clean’ the vagina.

Now, what any sex educator (or high school student in the Daly City/Pacifica, CA area) knows is that the vagina is self-cleansing. That means that through a series of amazing processes to maintain a balanced equilibrium, the vagina keeps itself clean.

This means that when you’re taking your weekly shower, there is no need to clean inside of your vagina. (Washing your vulva, however, is totally legit.)

In fact, if you douche, you’re washing away all those lovely natural fluids that help to keep your vagina in balance. This can actually increase your risk for things like yeast infections.

So … if douches aren’t actually good for your vagina? Why do douche-bags even exist?

Aside from annoying you by cutting you off on the freeway, douches exist because they make money. I don’t know if you follow advertising, but there are lots of ad-campaigns (whether it be for douches, feminine washes, or those pads that come with wipes) that are designed to make women feel insecure about the way their vaginas smell.

Summer’s Eve (being the Douche Kings … and I say Kings because it’s a male owned company), does this by saying things like “During the busy week you need to take time for yourself. Our products let you do just that. So no matter what your day brings, you can face it comfortably and put your best self forward.”

Because apparently if her vagina doesn’t smell like “Sweet Romance” or “Tropical Rain” there is no way a lady can be confident enough to get through her day.

That, for those of you who don’t pick it up well, was sarcasm.

Vaginas aren’t supposed to smell like an “Evening Breeze” or an “Island Splash.” (I’m not even making this shit up.)

Vaginas, my friends, are supposed to smell like “Vagina.”

And I don’t know about you, but I happen to like “Vagina.” It’s a smell that I think is sexy and timeless.

Douche-Bags, just like the woman talking hella loudly on her cell phone about how her 43 year old mother is banging a 17 year-old in a Planned Parenthood waiting room while you’re trying to watch Spiderman, however, are not.

At the most, the scents inside of douches and/or the very fact that they’re washing away your vagina’s natural elements, can contribute to infection. Not to mention they contribute to a system of advertising that makes women feel bad about something they shouldn’t feel bad about.

At the least, they’re wholly unnecessary.

This is why I support Douche as an insult. Because Douches, just like closeted politicians who vote against gay rights and then get caught blowing someone of the same gender in a public bathroom, don’t make any sense.

In closing … douching is a bad call, but calling people douche-bags can be quite fun.

Keep Thinking



  1. Ha! You might like this post, in a similar vein:

    And I totally agree about the way that using sex terms as pejoratives reinforces sex-negativity. I've written a bit about that, and I'd love to geek out about that with you. :-)

  2. Google "Lysol Douche". Here's a quote:

    Now 89, she started douching with Lysol when she was 17!

    Good morning,
    I happened to be checking the 'Net just to see if good old Lysol would be safe to use on some new Pergo floors my hubby recently installed in a couple of rooms.
    I'm going on 89 years YOUNG . . . LOL . . . and was very amused by the Lysol douche ad. I don't know if I'm "still the girl my husband married" as I have pretty bad osteoarthritis (could it have been the Lysol?), but used Lysol as a douche and contraceptive ever since I married at age 17!! I had two children, both sons who turned out very well, in spite of the Lysol!! LOL
    It's rather funny as I used it every day for many, many years because back in the early days, we didn't have the "Pill" and Lysol was used after "the act" to prevent unwanted pregnancies by just about every lady I knew, including my mother and grandmother who had just ONE child each.
    Oh, well, we must have been TOUGH as I don't recall any problems!! LOL. Just thought I'd drop a line as I got a big kick out of your site and the old info.