Thursday, April 29, 2010

Becca Copes with Being Dumped

Although I usually like to spit straight knowledge at y’all, I thought that I would provide a different service today.

Today I’m going to show you how I’m coping with being recently dumped (for the first time ever).

But first, because I understand that just like my daily poop, not all dumps look the same, I will describe to you the situation.

Basically, I met Dude while he was in a polyamorous marriage where Wifey knew about and approved of Dude dating me. When I started dating Dude, he told me his marriage was on the rocks. Throughout the time I knew Dude, shit with Wifey was confusing and shaky, as relationships on the verge of divorce tend to be. Not to mention Dude and Wifey have kids, which makes things more complicated.

(And yes, I realize that while managing to avoid relationships most of my life, I picked the least complicated situation to try one out in.) <-- Sarcasm

So, although our relationship was no doubt fun and introduced me to many a new experience, Dude had some serious personal shit that he needed to take care of.

And so on Monday, Dude held my hand and in a very compassionate manner told me that he couldn’t see me anymore. He couldn’t do right by his family or by me by splitting his attention, and I’ll be damned if he didn’t make the right choice by choosing his family.

Bummer, right? Well, yeah, but I’m coping.

And I feel like because many of the ways in which people cope are seen as qualities that constitute weakness or frailty (in this culture, anyway), that people don’t share what goes down after that bombshell moment.

So, even though I know I’m probably not out of the woods yet, I felt like sharing my process might a) help me to continue on my stellar processual trajectory and b) perhaps help my 12 readers to process previous or future moments where they are the dumped.

Or maybe even just help people out there to know that they’re not alone in their emotions.

Coping Mechanism 1: Hella Crying

When he told me, after he told me, 24 hours after he told me, and still sporadically when it needs to happen. Crying, sobbing, bawling. All different kinds of crying to best suit the emotion.

Crying has probably been the most healing part of this process. I’m not sure why it feels so damn good, but all these good cries I’ve been having have helped tremendously in letting me get out the wordless emotions that I’m currently experiencing.

Coping Mechanism #2: Thinking About The Relationship

Have you ever had a chancre sore or a cut in your mouth? You know how you lick the wound and it stings the first time you do it … but as you do it more and more the stinging sensation dulls and then goes away, eventually?

This is like that, but with thoughts. At first, thinking about the experiences that had gone down brought me to mechanism number 1. Many times.

But as I thought about the same moments on loop, they began to dissociate with the hurt. That is to say, the more that I thought about my memories, the more they regained the emotion originally associated with their creation.

Which, generally means the re-associated themselves positively and no longer produced a crying response. This serves to both help me hold on to some of the really positive elements of the liaison, and to not ruin the whole experience simply because I currently feel shitty.

Coping Mechanism #3: Doing Math

Apparently, doing math is my new favorite thing!

But I looked at Day 1, and Day 1 was filled with hella crying pretty consistently.

Day 2, I didn’t wake up crying, but there was a good amount of it throughout the day.

Day 3, I maybe cried like 5 times.

The amount of crying and feeling bad about the situation is exponentially decreasing day by day.

This makes me even more driven to repeat step #2, as that seems to be helping in decreasing the instances of crying.

Coping Mechanism #4: Having a Good Friend on Call

This friend happened to be pretty familiar with the whole situation. Although I’m not entirely savvy with pouring my heart out, I felt like my homey’s very presence and support has been pretty clutch in quickstyle healing.

Coping Mechanism #5: Food Therapy

Ice cream, coffee, cheesesteaks, soda. I’m mandating an end to this by Friday, but a little food therapy has gone a long way in making me feel better about all this. I do love me some delicious comfort food.

Coping Mechanism #6: Substance

Not too much, but enough to help my brain shut-off for a couple hours at a time. Although thinking about what went down has helped me to desensitize, sometimes shutting down and giving my brain a rest was a good call. 

Coping Mechanism #7: Complete Electronic Censoring

So, something that I’ve always said is that the best way to get over someone is to simply cut them out of your life for a while. I’ve never really understood the whole ‘let’s be friends’ concept because I think all it does is create emotional confusion. Don’t get me wrong, I think after a period of separation (and that period, of course, depends upon how long the relationship lasted), peeps can totally be friends.

I don’t think that’s possible until emotional separation has been completed. And I don’t think emotional separation is possible in a world where you’re still connected to that person.

With that being said, I deleted text messages, facebook contact, twitter feeds, and wherever else I was connected to Dude.

Although thinking about him is important, being subjected to his reality is something that I don’t need until I’ve completed my emotional separation. I’m not trying to erase the past, but I don’t need him to be a part of my present until I’m ready to make that a conscious choice.

Coping Mechanism #8: Seeing the Ending as a Possibility.

I don’t know why I see every ending as a new possibility, but it’s something that I have endless belief in. Doors have to close, eventually. And for whatever reason, I feel like all this time I now have is going to manifest in a level of productivity I’ve not yet seen out here in Philly.

Along this end, I’ve been keeping busy, which is always good. Keeping busy means that I am, at times, distracted. This keeps me from being holistically preoccupied with the situation. The more I spend time in good, busy time, the less time I’m able to spend wallowing.

Coping Mechanism #9: Self-Absorbed Blogging

Gotta admit, this shit is therapeutic. Although for some, escaping is perhaps the easiest way to cope, for me, making this as real as possible is helping me to work through it.

Sharing it with my 18 readers makes it real.

Coping Mechanism #10: Asking You To Forego the Pity

Because of all my coping mechanisms, I’m chill. I don’t need a Pity Party. You’re welcome to try to give me a hug, but that’s like the extent of my tolerance for pity. I don’t pity me in this situation because I actually respect Dude’s decision and think it’s for the best. I just wanna get rollin’ on the rest of my life, because life moves whether or not I’ve been dumped.

In Conclusion:

I don’t know how you all have coped with being dumped in the past, but I’m feeling pretty good about things … all things considered.

I would also like to say that although I love talking, educating and thinking about poop … I’m not a fan of the word ‘dumped.’ Sometimes, ending a relationship doesn’t need the connotation of excrement … because sometimes it really isn’t that bad.

Just Sayin’.

Keep Thinking!



  1. damn lil beebs. hope youre ok ;-)

  2. I really enjoyed what you had to say and it makes complete sense as to how you should allow a break up to happen rather than turning into stalker mode. Hope it gets better has the days go by.

  3. yur better off without the weasel.
    let his family suffer his existence.

  4. I read this yesterday and spent all night thinking about it, which is why I'm posting a comment now instead of then.

    As the "Wifey" in this story, I want to say to Becca that you sound like an amazing person. "Dude" has only spoken highly of you and despite the life-altering turmoil that's been going on in our lives the past few months, you have been a positive light in his life. I want to thank you for that. "Dude" would be lucky to have someone like you in his life; trust me, he knows that. I think you guys still have something to talk about if either of you want to.

    But the thing that kept me up last night was Bob's fucked-up comment. I don't think Becca implied anywhere in her post that "Dude" was a weasel. In fact, Bob, "Dude" is the most amazing man I've ever met. We've been together for 20 years. He has been nothing but loyal and kind and has provided for me and our children. To make such a hurtful, uninformed remark like that certainly shows me what kind of person you are. His family is blessed; our relationship may not have worked as we hoped it would so many years ago but even though we're where we are now, I would still lay down in traffic for such an awesome person. I think it's great that you're offering Becca support and all, but come on, man. You're just talking out your ass.

    Becca, if you ever want to talk, you know where to find me. Sending you love and good energy for your journey, whichever direction it takes you...

  5. To Carrie,

    Thank you for your kind words and sentiment. It means a lot to me to hear from you directly (so to speak, ha).

    As per Bob's comment, I understand and can appreciate your reaction as, out of context, that comment does seem like it got pulled out of his ass. Heh. However, as Bob is my dad, the comment is pulled from a greater context, and actually has nothing to do with Dude's character. I can guarantee you that the comment isn't entirely malicious, as I think it's simply an expression of the inherency of the transference of a daughter's pain to her father. He was hurting because I was hurting and he wanted me not to hurt anymore.

    As that is the case, I can't apologize for the comment itself, but I do apologize for any distress it may have caused.

    As per my journey, that is incredibly undecided, but I want to thank your for the good energy. Know that I'm sending good energy right back in you and your family's direction.

  6. Are you guy's fucking kidding me; this chick was fucking your Husband. This go to show how stupid woman’s thought process is. My props go to "Dude" he was fucking two chicks and got out with a clean slate. That amazing! More power to you "Dude"!